SO this is what I was thinking....

Today I went to the big 'city'...NOT! It is a small town but it is bigger than where I live. This attorney I know gave me some work to do, so I got it done... then I called Gary he told me he was in the city too, so I said ARE YOU TAKING ME TO LUNCH...he said NO! DAMN!

SO I went to my mom's house better known as the nuthouse and I was hungry obviously but I couldn't find anything to eat. NOW let me clarify this....my mom has LOTS of stuff to eat if you want to be a diabetic or go into a sugar coma or something like that. There are cakes and pies and cookies all around, not to mention the HARD ASS DOUGHNUTS! They have been there so long they don't even smash when you smash the box that is how hard they are. I wait around and my mom finally comes home and I say, momma why don't you have any food in here to eat? She says with ENTHUSIASM....like a crack dealer on the corner hocking his crack, or Martin Lawrence talking about what happened when he was running down Hollywood Blvd crazed cause he was smoking that eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeee, she said, "I got something here for you to eat...you like GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE?!!!" Then she pulls out a three tier German Chocolate Cake. SERIOUSLY! I am not kidding...I say pulled out because my mom works for the Meals-on-Wheels program she is the cook/chef...anyway they get donations from stores around town so that they can give out food baskets to the elderly...they give out what they know will be used and the rest they divide up....she somehow always gets the sweets. My mom IS DIABETIC but she constantly brings home sweets?!!! WTH!!! No one eats the stuff she brings home then she gets mad because it starts growing mold like a science experiment and it has to be thrown away. I say momma why do you keep bringing this stuff home NOBODY EATS IT SO STOP BRINGING IT HERE! She says, "do you feel better now that you have yelled at me?" She said this in a nice calm ccccooooooollllllll voice which when I was growing up it would have sent chills up my spine but now I am grown so it doesn't bother me....much. SO I say WELL STOP BRINGING THIS STUFF HERE....you know YOU can't eat it and nobody else does that is why you have these HARD ASS DOUGHNUTS sitting here...she looked up at me as if to say, "If you yell at me again...you know what is going to happen..." SO I backed up...cause yeah I do know! Then I think to myself she can't catch me so I will push the envelope and see what happens....DON'T DO THAT! That is all I have to say about that....except for if you see a pair of lips flying through the air, they are mine! Just kidding she didn't hit me cause she couldn't catch me.... but I am thinking why does she bring home sweets EVERYDAY! SERIOUSLY EVERYDAY the good Lord brings she brings home cakes and pies and cookies...WHY???? Can you tell me please??!!!! My dad had a friend who said one holiday that my mom had so much food it took your appetite because you just didn't know what to eat ....SHE STILL DOES THAT! BUT NOW NOBODY EATS IT!!!! My mom said, "Well so-in-so needs some of this stuff over at her house..." I said well if you wait until it grows mold before you take it to her she won't be able to eat it! That is when she hit me.


See ya when I see ya...

Peace! Mattie

This should make my sister happy....

This is a story I sent to my friends back in September of 2004...it is short shorter than my usual excerpts but I am sure SOMEONE will appreciate it.

HELLO PEOPLE!!!!!!!

How is your Monday going? I took the braids out of my hair so I had to have the nut straighten my hair.... for those of you that don't know what that means she takes a metal comb heats it on the stove and then she applies some grease to your hair and then she puts the hot comb through the hair with the grease on it or in it and....wallah your hair is straight! SO anyway, as she is doing this again remember with a HOT comb heated on the stove I feel something on my arm..... I look down and it is a daddy long leg (spider)! I SCREAMED and jumped up! My mom goes flying back and my cellphone goes flying and my nephew comes running! My mom says, "WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!!!!" I said there was a spider on me! I had knocked the spider off and couldn't see it anymore.... but of course just the fact that there was one on me freaked me out so I have the hibby gibbees now.... I am sitting there and my mom is shaking cause I scared her. She is trying to finish my hair with her hands shaking so of course I am getting burned....but you know my mom will burn you anyway, shaking or not she will burn you and say, "oopsy! That was the grease!".... and then she laughs behind your back!!!!!!!!!! Anyway.....do you know that freaking spider had the nerve to come back out and charge toward me!!!!!!!! I STOMPED on that thing until there was nothing left!!!!!!!!!!! I hate spiders.... I have been jumping and flinching all day!!!!!!!!!!

Peace! Mattie

Ther rest of the story...Texas nice place to visit...

Okay people here is the end of the story as it was a short trip and it felt like we spent the whole time driving.

SO where was I.... OH yeah we got the tractor and just left Klan country with me being totally embarrassed and PISSED OFF! So we get back on the interstate and head to Beaumont Texas where my cousin T lives. Beaumont is a city kind of like Flagstaff but I call it the country especially where my cousin lives and especially since I remember going to her house when we were kids and I asked her why the streets were blocked off and police were everywhere? She said the Klan was having a rally and they have to have the police out to keep the peace. What kind of shit is that...... Anyway, I know my friends know and you all at work have probably heard me say that I suffered a head injury and my memory is not what it use to be.... SO needless to say on the way to my cousin's house we get lost because although I have been there several times and things are looking familiar I can't remember where she lives. Gary and I get into an argument and I am telling him at the top of my lungs that I can't remember so "if you just SHUT UP I could think"..... SO I call my cousin and she tells us the turn off but not direct directions so we are driving down the road and I think I see her street but I am not sure so we pass it and now we are on our way to Port Arthur Texas which is not good... we find a place to turn around and head back to the street I believe is T's. We get to her house she is at work but her husband, is there and after we take a short break where Gary is having a drink with the people down the street WHOM I don't know, we head out to the real country. My dad's parents have a family plot or burial site and Gary wants to see where my dad is buried. We get out there and I take him to my dad's grave and we stand there for a while and I show him the baby's grave, you know my cousin's baby that died he was only 3 he is buried just at my dad's feet sort of, then we walk around and look at some of the other graves. I show Gary my grandparents graves and T's dad's grave.... Gary is standing there looking and THEN its over......he starts crying and I am thinking WHY did we come out here I knew he was a cry baby! I knew he was going to cry.... Jiminy Crickets! He was telling T's husband about the time that he and my dad spent together and then its a waterfall.... As we entered the grave site Gary asked why there was a fence there and whose graves where on the other side of the fence. T's husband explains that back in the day when Blacks and Whites were separated that separation carried on after death, so the side we were on was the "Black" side and the other side was where the "Whites" were buried. Mind you these are people in the same family they are all apart of the same family but separated by skin. Gary says, "I was wondering what I should do when Mattie dies, I guess I could bring her down here and pick up the fence and put her half on the White side and half on the Black side".... Yeah he is really funny! After a while this man comes up and he comes into the grave yard and is looking at us so we explain that this is my family's plot my grandparents and father are buried here and so on. He tells us some stories about how long he has lived here and that some people burned his house down because he wouldn't let them hunt on is property, he makes this statement looking at Gary, which makes me think that some pigmently challenged people burned down his house. BUT he said the next time they came out there his 30/30 Winchester would do the talking for him!!! At this point we left.....

We go to my uncle J's house to visit him for a minute.....my uncle J is that uncle everybody has that says whatever he thinks no matter what! We go in sit down start talking and telling jokes etc., Gary watches for a while then he decides to tell a joke. OH GOD please no! So he starts the joke and then as I expected and the reason for me praying that he wouldn't, he forgets the joke! He can't remember the joke!!! Somebody shoot me NOW! Its an old joke, you know the one that ends with the man telling his wife, it's a small load so I did it by hand"?! Come on everybody knows that joke! Everybody but Gary. After we left my uncle J's house we go to my cousin's house, she is not there she is on her way to Houston to see her mom, but my uncle P and uncle B is there. My cousin comes over and we sit and talk while she eats, she has to eat BEFORE 7:30p.m. ( she is on weight watchers) which my uncles don't understand.... now my cousin is a crowd by herself and I am not talking about her size because I think she looks just fine the way she is, I mean she talks so loud you would think there was a crowd of people around!!!!! Gary comments that his family would never sit around and talk and laugh like we have been doing which he didn't understand but that was the way it was. SO T calls us, the kids are hungry and we have to go BUT not before her husband and my cousin tell my uncles and Gary about me dropping my aunt's keys down the sewer drain and they had to fish them out so she could go home! I hate when they tell that story! Okay so I did drop her keys down the storm/sewer drain but must you tell everybody!!!!!!!!!

That night at T's house, which is a small house she has two bedrooms, we had to sleep on the air mattress on the floor. We finally settle down around midnight and I go to sleep....then I hear this scratching on the mattress. Are you kidding me! SERIOUSLY! Scratching on the mattress I am like..... fuck'en ay man!!!! SO I am thinking there is a frog or a mouse in here! When I went to help T after she had her baby I crashed her car because there was a frog on the side view mirror. SHUT UP ITS NOT FUNNY! There was a frog on the side view mirror and I didn't notice it until I went to reach out the window to get her a deposit slip and I saw these red eyes looking at me.... I jumped in the backseat with T and the baby! Unfortunately... the car was still in drive so it ran into the teller thing. There was a frog on the mirror what did you think I was going to do?! T says to me in a very low, very calm, nonchalant voice, "What the hell is wrong with you?! You see I have this baby in here and you jump in the backseat, why aren't you driving and why did you let the car run into the teller...." I said IT'S A DRIVE THROUGH!!!!!!!!!! I get back in the front roll up the window, and take off... Damn frog was hanging on to even at 50 miles an hour down the freeway!!!!!! Freakin suction cups for feet!!!! Anyway, I am freaking out for the rest of the night.... I try to wake Gary up but he mumbles something like, "the animals are trying to bite me!" I said GARY! He just repeated that the animals were trying to bite him. When daylight finally came I was so happy! Turns out the scratching noise was Einstein next to me... when the animals were trying to bite him, he apparently was grabbing at their mouths trying to keep them from biting by holding them shut! HELP ME!!!!!! Gary and T's husband went to a tractor auction after her husband went and picked up a dead horse on the road, he works for the State. T and I went to Super Wal-Mart... I cooked dinner and we went to bed early because we were leaving the next morning..... we got on the road Sunday morning around 9'ish and stopped just short of El Paso. On our drive we started to run low on petrol so we stopped in what looked like the middle of nowhere to get gas. As we were arranging stuff in the Jeep this lady comes up to us and asks if she can give us something to read? I said sure. We are in the middle of NOWHERE! SERIOUSLY! BUT Jehovah's Witnesses were there! SERIOUSLY.... out of nowhere they were there!!!!!!!!! Anyway... 24 hours later we were back HOME and I was back in my own bed...... THANK YOU GOD! I could go on but I am sure by now there was something for you all to laugh at in this story. If you don't laugh then you feel my pain don't you?!

See ya when I see ya...

Peace! Mattie

Tractors and Klan Kountry

SO here is day two of the Texas tractor drama...the saga continues and things are really getting weird... can you say HELP ME!

Okay so where did I leave off? Oh yeah day one Santa Rosa. So we leave that lovely town/city and start the LONG drive across Texas day two. We started out driving around 7 maybe 8 that morning.... we got to my Aunt's house around 10:30 that night. She lives in Houston that is 13 to 14 hours of driving and you are still in the same State. SERIOUSLY! My aunt is my dad's baby sister she is the youngest of 11 kids I think there is 11 it could be more??? Lets just say there is a lot of them! We have to stop and get some dinner because my Aunt says that she didn't cook dinner and we are on our own... COOL no prob Bob! We get some food find her house and sit down for some Chic Fil' A (how do you spell that) and beer! My aunt's husband, Mr. Sam (he doesn't like to be called Uncle Sam 20/25 years in the military... he doesn't like it...), Mr. Sam is drinking hard liquor we are not sure what but from its color it has to be vodka or gin straight no chaser or mixer... the more he drinks the louder the talk becomes. Its midnight now and the talk and laughter is so loud you would swear it was daylight, my aunt has to be up for work at 7. We finally went to bed.

We leave my aunts house and have breakfast and start the trip to pick up the tractor. Now so you can picture our travel we drove from Williams to Houston and then Houston to Dickinson. Dickinson is on the border down by the Gulf of Mexico, very small town. I asked my Aunt if it was redneck or Klan country and she said yeah but not to worry. We get there and Gary is so EXCITED about this tractor that he is basically babbling! Let me say for those who don't know Gary well, that Gary will say ANYTHING when he is nervous, excited or just to break the silence. SO we find the man's house who has the tractor and Gary gets out of the Jeep and he is off like a rabbit being chased by a hound or something!!!!!!!! I get out of the Jeep and I just stand back and watch.... the guy shows Gary other tractors that he has and tractors that he is working on etc. Gary, God Bless him, says to this guy whom I have never met before and don't know from Adam, "this is my wife she can't believe how excited I am about this tractor she said to me why can't you get this excited about SEX!!!!!" Being a person of color is a good thing especially during times like these. WTH! I wanted to kill Gary on the spot.....dead, he should be DEAD now. I want him dead.... really!! Why would you say that to somebody you just met? Then Gary says to the guy as the conversation progresses, I think they were talking about how much land they have or how much things have built up or grown since they bought their properties, or something like that.... Gary says, "yeah we use to think that we lived out in the country but now so many people have moved out there that my wife says we can't even run around on the porch naked anymore!!!!!" Is there a trap door somewhere that can be pulled so that I can disappear or better yet a sling shot so that I can shoot Gary into another time space continuum????? Seriously.... I can't believe he is saying this stuff to someone he just met TWO MINUTES AGO.... SERIOUSLY!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! I couldn't make this up if I tried. We leave this guys house and he shakes my hand and gives me a look of sympathy, one that I have seen so many times before when Gary is on a roll in front of complete strangers. I was thinking yeah you feel my pain don't you? I said to Gary after we got on the road that he should watch what he says around people when he just meets them... some of the stuff you were saying could have been offensive you never know what their beliefs are or if they even have a sense of humor.... Gary says, "well they laughed..." I said yeah a nervous laugh like they were not really sure if you were joking or if you were just STUPID to be making these comments about your wife in front of her to people you don't know!!!! I got one more part to this story but I gotta go my show comes on at 9 and I have to get my sister ready for bed now.... I'll email the final episode or episodes tomorrow.... it gets better..... I think?!

Peace! Mattie

Stay away from Texas...or road trips for tractors!

Okay here is another post/blog for you all... I have a request for this story, it took me three days to write it so it is only appropriate that I post it over the next three days. Honestly I had forgotten about this incident and when I was asked to post it, I had no idea what the heck the requester was talking about...BUT guess what...out of the 'sky blue' my sister sent me this story previously sent to her in March of 07. Here ya go...enjoy

SO! Hello People!

To the people I use to work with I heard that your new supervisor is a "JOY" so I figured I would include you in this email to make you smile and let you know that life is like a box of chocolates.....sometimes you get that nasty cherry/orange paste filling in your chocolate or that one with the unidentifiable filling in the chocolate that you immediately spit out cause its just nasty! And sometimes you get that sweet caramel or the nougat filling that is just lovely... You just never know what you are going to get! I guess you know which one you got!!! (Smiley face).

SO here is a story for you, yes it is true and it happened to me. Some of you know that Gary and I took a trip across country to pick up a tractor, it wasn't actually across country just across the State of Texas which is pretty much the same thing. We left last Wednesday. Anyway, to get to the part of Texas where we were going we had to go across the ENTIRE State of Texas! 24 hours of driving in the Jeep with Gary, lovely!

Our first night we drove through some weather and lots of wind, rain and some snow. Gary did most of the driving going and all the driving coming back. We stopped the first night in Santa Rosa New Mexico at what looked like a nice hotel. The first room we go in the smoke alarm is chirping because the batteries are low or it is suffering from a power surge or something. Gary says, "well I can't listen to that all night, YOU need to call the front desk and tell them about it." I said why do I have to call why don't you call you are the man. Gary, "But you are better at it." NO you call.... five minutes of this he finally calls. SO we move four rooms down and we get into the room and I pull the sheets back and inspect the bed. There is hair in it.... Gary says, "stop looking at the bed and get in it, if you look for stuff you are going to find it!" SO I get in..... put my feet down to the bottom of course because of my height I usually put them out the covers on the bottom..... BUT I digress. I get in put my feet down at the bottom and I feel something. I jump up and I run and turn on the light all the while I am yelling at Gary to GET OUT OF THE BED! GET OUT OF THE BED! ITS NOT CLEAN. Gary meanwhile is just laying there going....what? What are you talking about? I am still yelling GET OUT OF THE FREAKING BED! I turn on the lights and look.... there are freaking SOCKS in the bottom of the bed! SOCKS were made up in the bed! Are you freaking kidding me!!!!!!!!!! Is that not a clue that there is a problem here! Gary is still just laying there........ idiot! Gary goes over to the other bed..... pull the covers back and I look, it looks clean and un-slept in previously but I am not sure. Gary says I am tired and I want to go to bed.... fine..... we stay. In the morning I go down stairs and the morning desk clerk gets to start her day off with me in her face!!!!! Room...... no charge! Now this is just the first day of the trip.... it appears it was also a hint and a half for things to come but we had to get that tractor!!!!!! I'll send you the rest of this story later..... Have a lovely!!!!!!!!!

Peace! Mattie

Just for my cousin...

Okay my cousin said she wanted me to tell the story of my most humbling experience so far in life...

I went to Texas, I believe it was to help my cousin with her newborn baby or maybe it was for a funeral...I can't remember why I was there. ANYWAY... my Aunt picked me up...OH I think I just remember why it was my dad's funeral....OKAY no it wasn't for that...whatever, I can't remember... as I was saying my Aunt picked me up at the airport and my luggage was in her car. Now you have to know that my Aunt is no joke, she don't play and she will get in that a$$ if she need too. BUT she is also nice as long as you don't test her! My cousin and her husband came to pick me up and we were all sitting around talking and laughing about childhood visits to Texas and what happened while we were there. SO everybody is talking it is getting late and we need to go...I ask my Aunt for her keys so that I can get my luggage out of her car and put it in my cousin's car. No big deal right? WRONG! My Aunt parked her car over a sewer or drainage grate, so you needed to be careful where you step so you wouldn't step wrong on the grate and twist your ankle or fall, etc., ESPECIALLY if you are wearing a dress, which is what I was wearing (well it was a skirt)...ANYWAY... NOW I open my Aunt's trunk and I go to pull out my suitcase but I have to use both hands so I am trying to figure out where to put the keys so I don't lose them. I KNOW! I will put them in my skirt, you know I will put it so that one part of the key is inside the top of my skirt and the other half is hanging over the side so I can easily grab them and hand them to my Aunt. COOL! I put the keys in my skirt and I reach in to pull out the suitcase and I lift up and wallah...as I pull up on the suitcase I bring it close to my side AND it knocks the keys into my skirt and with my slip on they slide down my side into the SEWER! YES! I just dropped my Aunt's keys into the sewer/drain...OH HELL NO! This is not happening...I get the suitcase out and I look down at the sewer/drain and NOPE they didn't get stuck on the grate they fell through....YES can you say even at the age of 40 you are about to get your a$$ kicked!!! This is not good...her keys went in the sewer/drain and she needs to get back to Houston...GOD PLEASE HELP ME!

I come in the house and I say in a scared child like voice looking at the ground and kicking my feet... uuummm Aunt ___ uuummm excuse me Aunt ___ I just dropped your keys in the sewer/drain...and I slowly point to the door to indicate that outside in the sewer you will find your keys. Have you seen those scenes in the movies where say a Black person walks into a redneck bar or biker bar or a country club and when they do the whole place goes silent...well yeah that is what happened. My Aunt says, "What did she just say?" I said, still in a low child like voice, I just dropped your keys in the sewer drain. Aunt "Did she just say she dropped my keys in the sewer? I know she did not just say she dropped my keys in the sewer.... YOU DROPPED MY KEYS IN THE SEWER DRAIN??!!!!!" Well yeah. Now my Uncles are not making this any better because they revert back to childhood and say..."ooooooooo!" You know how you do when someone does something and you know they are going to get it...yeah that is what they were saying. SO we all go outside and it is dark and everybody is standing around looking at the drain, they go and get flashlights and coat hangers...My Uncle says pointing yeah there they are. REALLY! So they start fishing around with the coat hanger and there is some discussion that they could wait until it rained and it would start the drain flowing and they would come out the other end, my Aunt is mumbling to herself out loud, "they BETTER get my keys out or she gone get knocked out"(something like that)...meanwhile they keep fishing....and PRAISE THE LORD! They get the keys out!!! Do the happy dance!!!! Needless to say that I am not allowed to touch anybodies keys when I go to Texas and even though that was at least 5 or more years ago, they will not let me live that mistake down. My cousin's husband was talking mad s8$# too! "Yeah you not so funny now are you! YEAH you don't have anything to say do you! Oh I have never seen you so humble in my life, you were very childlike when you came in here huh, uumm Aunt ____?" And on and on...

Neither he nor my Aunt or Uncle nor my cousins who were there will let me live that down... I hate Texas!!!!

Peace! Mattie

Come out with your hands up!!

This is one from August of 2008, must of you have already read this...TOO bad... My friend is supplying me with old stories I previously wrote prior to including you all in my emails. BUT she is "doling them out one at a time" and the mos recent one she sent is X-rated I am not sure you all are ready for it...

ANYWAY… the other day Gary, (Stinky/Boo boo) and I were invited to dinner at one of our neighbors homes… we have a retired cop from Vegas correction he is a retired Metro SWAT Officer from Las Vegas, NV as one of our neighbors…l call him Cop’er and he currently works for the WPD where he is a Sgt…his wife is a stripper well she is a former stripper we’ll just call her Bambi! We are sitting around the table talking the Democratic Convention is on and we are watching it and talking politics… RED FLAG don’t talk politics at someone else’s house because if the conversation gets HEATED you can’t say. “Get the hell out MY house!” Now according to Cop’er, he and Bambi have discussed this and they have figured it all out that Barack Obama is going to be the next President of these United States… I said really and what makes you think that? He responds “Have you heard him speak?” “Oh he is such a good speaker” Bambi chimes in… I am just looking at them like they are aliens… why does his ability to speak well surprise you? Is he not suppose to? Where does he stand on the issues of the economy, the high price of gasoline, the housing market and most of all the war in Iraq? I said I personally don’t believe that America is ready for a Black President, Obama may look good in the polls but when it comes time to actually cast the ballots I don’t believe he will get the votes. “You are crazy! Why would you say that? Is it because he is Black?” The Cop’er asked. I said who are going to vote for? SILENCE is the response… SEE! THAT is what I am talking about everyone is saying they will vote for Obama but will they????… (I know voting is a personal thing but from what I gather they are Republicans anyway…SERIOUSLY!) I said besides you are a cop what do you know! Cop'er told me this story about a call he went out on in Vegas....they called the SWAT team out in Las Vegas to take out ONE count him ONE man and you guys expended 300 count them 300 hundred bullets and only managed to hit him in the ankle and the butt and the butt shot was probably a ricochet off his ankle! (This is a story the cop told me… why he gave me “ammo” to use against him I don’t know). Now the cop and I go at it all the time he tires to push my buttons he started off the evening by saying, “Hi Mattie! Boy there sure has been a lot of cheating going on in NASCAR!” I said yeah but Jr. is not apart of that he wins/loses like a MAN! Don’t start with me! He is also a Jordan fan… that speaks VOLUMES right there! He also doesn’t listen very well… we went at it the majority of the time we were there… He told us about a time when he got pulled over by a FPD officer and HE accused the officer of profiling and refused to sign the ticket…he said when he told the cop that he was a cop in Vegas and he knows profiling when he sees it the FPD cop backed off… I said NOW how do YOU know about profiling…”the man” really is trying to keep the Black man down AREN’T YOU! And you probably still profile don’t you! He said something I don’t know what… cause I just said SHUT UP you liar!

ANYWAY… we continue watching the convention on TV and Boo is playing cards with Bambi. It is not a real card game it is more like slap jack that usually ends up with Boo having all the cards in her hand, and you trying to get her to give you some while she just laughs at you…NOW usually if there is a man ANYWHERE in the picture my sister will knock you down to get to him… MAN CRAZY yes she is, which is one of my biggest concerns… but I digress… SO we keep talking and all of a sudden I see this finger it looks like ET you know when he touches the kid and fixes his cut or whatever…or when he says “I’ll be right here!” Yeah it is like that…and it is my sister’s and it is slowly moving across the table and then…she did it…YUP she pulled Bambi’s shirt out/down… the Cop’er was in the middle of a question when I exclaimed STINKY DON’T PULL HER SHIRT DOWN! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!!! Of course it was too late cause she had already done it…crack! crack! crack! That is sound of me banging my head against the table saying ‘she did not just pull down that lady’s shirt…’ and it was also my way of trying to knock myself unconscious so I wouldn’t laugh ‘cause Bambi is not a “B” cup so this is not good! KILL ME NOW! Fortunately I hear laughter in between the banging so I am thinking it is okay the cop is not going to give us six warning shots in the back for exposing his wife…Now Bambi had on this low cut shirt and the “girls” were on display I guess they apparently fascinated my sister to the point where she wanted to get a better look? I don’t know… they had some powder between them or something… it was weird… I have been told they are store bought I really can’t tell you…okay well yes I can… she is in her 50s and hers are perkier than mine! Bambi is now in the wholesale business she makes hooker/hoochie mama/stripper clothes and sells them… for those of you who may be interested this is her website http://www.bodaciouscurves.com/index.html.

I am not against Bambi and what she does or did, she explained that when she was a stripper she was just trying to provide for her and her son and the reason she makes these clothes now is because this is all she knows. “I don’t have any other skills you know like office so this is what I know and I enjoy it”. Now who am I to judge? I don’t have a heaven or a hell to put her into so… hey she was able to keep her kid and put food on the table…what are you gonna do?

Peace! Mattie

It's a RAT!!!!! That is pack rat to you!

Here is another story sent to my friends back in May 2004, while Gary was out of town again... for awhile Gary left as often as he could...I wonder why??? Safety reasons I am sure! For those of you that are scary or gross out easily you may not want to read this. Just letting you know...

I know you are all gone home by now but this is the first chance I had to get on here and email... busy day! I hate credit balances!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, how was your weekends? Mine was cool until yesterday when I came back from the grocery store and was unloading the car.... Daisy, you just got to love that dog, found or caught or picked up a dead RAT! There was no mistaking this thing... the last thing she caught or whatever I couldn't really tell what is was, but this thing was blackish gray and had a long tail! I called Gary and told him we have a situation here cause Daisy's dumb ass is bringing me dead shit again! (I thought cats were suppose to bring their masters little rewards no one said dogs had this trait too!) SO we sit on the phone for 5 minutes arguing about me picking up the rat... HELL NO! I am not doing it... HELL NO! Kiss my... Gary says fine then it will just lay there and flies will gather and maggots and all sorts of shit will come and all because you are being childish just get the shovel and get it up! .... SO at dusk I get the shovel I figure if I can't see it that would be good... then I took some dirt to throw over it to cover it in case I accidentally look in that direction... I was throwing dirt on the side of this thing... behind this thing... everywhere but on it... so I said FUCK IT! I poke around until I get it on the shovel and then I start to run across the field with it on the shovel yelling EEEEWWWWW EEEEEWWWWWW EEEEEWWWWWWW all the way across the field to the burn barrel....NOW Grandpa George and his girlfriend bought us a weather vein for our garage, you know the big one with the rooster on it and the arrows pointing N, S, etc...well the rooster fell off the roof of the garage....I tripped on it when I was running with the rat! The rat went flying and so did the expletives... I had to get the rat back on the shovel and keep running... Now there is a box on the garage with a thing turning that says...N and S but the E and W is gone.... looks kind of stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!. AND now that disgusting vile (how do you spell that) creature is in the burn barrel which I have to throw paper in everyday.....GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gary says look at it this way at least we know the poison I put out is working so that is one less thing to worry about later! YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!! I really hate it when Gary goes out of town.

Peace! Mattie

This is why you should not use crack....

Just a little note on something that happened today which confirms the well known knowledge that you shouldn't use crack...

I had to go to the school/day program where my sister goes during the day for a meeting. They have these meetings annually and the State comes in to do a review. My mom was suppose to be there but she sent my sister, the twin instead. I think I should be able to stop there and say enough said...BUT I will go on. SO we go into the meeting and the State is trying to assess where my sister is at and what she may be in need of, how things are going, etc. During this process the twin feels the need to entertain my other sister (her twin) by making her laugh, LOUDLY! Then my sister gets all riled up and starts grabbing things and she takes the papers from her teacher/staff person and proceeds to rip them up...LOUDLY! MEANWHILE the lady from the State is trying to do her job while all this is going on. I am trying to maintain and NOT reach across the table and SMACK the twin! I am giving dirty looks and saying hey, HEY, HEY! It don't matter the twin just keeps on playing the nut roll... SO now we come to the part where the State asks questions about my sister, like: How is she doing? I understand she was hurt, has she healed up from that? How did she get hurt? I look at the twin and say, you want to field those questions? She had no response... I answer the questions as best I can because I wasn't here I don't know how it happened. SO then the twin gives my sister a pen and some paper for her to draw on... then I hear these comments from the twin, "Write right here that T stinks like boo boo!" Now I am putting T here so as not to use anyone's name but my own... T is my sister's teacher/staff person during the day. Needless to say that T looks up at the twin and gives her a look of OH NO YOU DIDN'T! THEN the twin says, "Write over here that Mattie smells like boo boo..." I am looking at her like I will kill you...DEAD! NOW! I say in a calm voice with a pen in my hand...I will stab you! She just laughs and keeps doing what she is doing... The insanity doesn't stop there... the lady from the State says, "It says here that your sister doesn't like to be reprimanded, to be told no, etc...she then says is there anything else she doesn't like?" The twin chimes in, "This meeting." WTH! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! You can't be that crazy...BUT apparently she is... SO the meeting goes on and I am trying to hear but the noise level is high and I am pretty sure that the lady from the school heard NOTHING as she was sitting next to the twins and they were in rare form!!!! I was sitting there mouth open at the twins behavior and saying to myself ooooohhhhh I am going to pop that little nigglet (the twin) when I get to the nuthouse! I mean we are going to have a misunderstanding and furniture will be moving. Then BEFORE the meeting is over the twin stands up and says, "I have to go I have things to do..." WOW what you should do is leave that crack alone!!!! Now I don't believe that she is really on crack but as Whitney Houston says, "Crack is whack" and her behavior was whack ssssoooo.....

SERIOUSLY! Why would you come to a meeting and act like that. My sister is mentally handicapped and when she became 18 years of age or in other words an adult she became a 'ward' of the State. Don't ask me why that is just what happened... now as a ward of the State it is the States job to look after her best interests and make sure she is taken care of. Needless to say that when you are in a meeting with the State you should probably make sure that you don't give the State a reason to take a closer look at you!

Long story short...I am telling momma when she gets home!!!!

Peace! Mattie

Who is at the door???!!!!!!

DISCLAIMER: Okay this may not be suitable for everyone...those who are dainty or dignified and dare not discuss bodily functions especially in mixed company need not read this post... for those of you mature enough to know that 'SHIT' happens feel free to read on...I sent this message to my friends back in January of 2004, this is just another example of what I share with my friends...

SO as you all know Gary is out of town and last night I had to do everything myself... and I am not sure but it seems to me that every time Gary goes out of town my sister or the dogs or somebody seems to have some kind of intestinal problem... Well this time it was my sister. When I got back from Texas she was extremely constipated her stomach looked like she was due to have a baby any day now! That really pisses me off because before I left she was just fine... ANYWAY... last night from the time we got home until about 8:45 she was on the toilet... I would say she was relieving herself but I don't think she felt much relief... HOWEVER! She did manage to smear all that was coming out of her all over the toilet! She wears a diaper so when I took the diaper off it was smeared up her back and EVERYWHERE, she has diarrhea if you haven't figured that out... actually she has loose bowels and her stomach is still bloated... it looks painful and from the looks on her face I know it has to be... so anyway where was I... oh so I let her sit on the toilet thinking that maybe she would go and also because every time I tried to get her off her stomach would make this horrendous gurgling sound! You could actually hear shit rumbling in there literally... it was gross! Thank God we have two bathrooms... she finally gets to a point where I can get her up and clean her up... or so I thought... THEN I THOUGHT I will put her in the shower....not a good idea she shit in it... I was cleaning shit for HOURS last night... I think I smell some shit now... anyway.... when I let Daisy(our Black Lab) out of her kennel she took off running like a banshee running all around and she ran off.... I was just like oh here we go... (She runs off every time Gary leaves town). I tried to start the fire and it wouldn't catch, but at least I did figure out the gun liter thing... so since the fire wouldn't catch I had to keep opening the front and relighting it, which meant that each time I did SMOKE FILLED the room, can you say smoke alarm... I called Gary to yell at him and I asked him what he was doing he said, "I am eating chips and drinking a beer! What are you doing honey!" You know it was not pretty after that...

As the night progressed I let the dog in to get warm and Gary had suggested that I let her sleep in the bathroom so that would save me time in the morning from having to go all the way out to the kennel to let her out I could just let her out of the bathroom... anyway, I was sitting watching TV and my sister was walking around pacing like she usually does... I know this will shock some of you but... I farted... no let me say that again I FARTED so loud that Daisy, who had been sleeping by the fire, jumped up and ran to the door and started barking! I don't know what she thought it was but she jumped up and ran to the door and started barking! She was probably saying let me the hell out of here!!!!! SO I went outside to smoke right, you know I am not suppose to do that, I went to flick the fire off the cigarette and it landed on the deck and burned it! The deck is made of plastic and wood fibers or something so I shouldn't say it burned... it melted... I was outside at 10:00 at night trying to scrub and fix the deck... I put Daisy in the bathroom and I started hearing this banging... that stupid dog was in the bathroom trying to get the toilet lid up! I put her dumb ass outside... this meant I had to walk out in the DARK to put her away... every possible sound was magnified! I was looking over my shoulder running, tripped... whatever... I hate it when Gary goes out of town! Oh and get this my mom is coming home with me tonight! She is afraid of the dark...IT IS so dark out here you can't see your hand in front of your face...

Have a wonderful rest of the week and weekend... PEACE!

Lunch Disaster!!!! CALL 911!!!

SO... WHAT? YOU DON'T PAY I CALL 911! I CALL 911!

What the hell is that about! Anyway, I was telling the people where I work about the insanity at lunch and one of the ladies I work with said you should write a letter to editor. I was thinking something along the lines of this...

Today my friends and I went to a Thai restaurant for lunch to celebrate a friend leaving and belated birthdays. There were six in our party and we sat and talked for only a MINUTE as the wait staff seemed most anxious to take our order even though she was told when she came to the table that we weren't ready to order. Well I guess there was a reason for that, but what that reason was I have no idea! BUT what happened next... well lets just say it was not hospitality at its best. Some of the ladies at the table order some egg rolls but changed their mind and ordered spring rolls instead. (They got both.) Everyone placed their orders and we were served our drinks. Then we were served our salads, then an appetizer then our dishes. Food was not anything to write home about but the spice level was up...unfortunately our water levels were down and no refills were to be found. The bill comes and everyone puts in their share and we all have agreed that the tip went down with the water! The waitress is questioned on the total of the bill wherein we are told that the $11.00+ dollars on the bottom of the tab is the "gratuity". We refused to pay the GRATUITY and are accused by the waitress of refusing to pay to the BILL, to which she says, "YOU DON'T PAY I CALL 911! I CALL 911!" I don't believe there was a misunderstanding on what we were questioning or refusing because it was pointed out to the waitress and stated plainly YOU don't get a tip you have only been to this table twice once to take the order and once to bring the food... and we haven't seen you since... "YOU DON'T PAY I CALL 911!!" I didn't realize that you could extort gratuity especially for lousy service!

Needless to say we don't go to that Thai restaurant anymore...